Stuff Christians Like by Jonathan Acuff

Author:Jonathan Acuff
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Non-Fiction
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

NEVER give the “You’re great” squeeze.

For some reason lots of Christians feel the need to punctuate a good handhold with a tiny gesture. They want closure. A fire-works grand finale to the handholding session. I understand that, but please, avoid the temptation to end our time together with a “you’re great” squeeze. It’s nowhere near as intimate as interlinking, but it still feels creepy coming from a man in his mid-fifties that up until thirty seconds ago I had never seen in my life. I don’t need closure. Our hand relationship is over. I’m ready to move on. It’s not you; it’s me.

NEVER linger.

When it becomes clear that the period of handholding is over, I expect you to ditch my hand like a bank robber fleeing the scene. Seriously. Let’s not be the last people pressed together with our hands awkwardly connected. Letting go is a race. I want us to win. Let’s set a new land speed record in disconnecting. Come on, we can do it. Eye of the tiger. Eye of the freaking tiger.

If we ever find ourselves holding hands at an event, I should warn you that I’ll hold you accountable to all of these rules. If you persist in violating them, I’ll probably use my sweat defense mechanism. I don’t know if being sweaty is a spiritual gift, but I have it. And so will you if you insist on breaking the rules.

SCHEDULING REVIVALS

Revivals, those unexpected outpourings of God that sweep whole communities up into a heavenly rhythm, are an important part of the Christian faith. Sometimes the best way to show how important they are is to go ahead and get one on the calendar.

Sure, they’re often spontaneous, but if you can fit one in right after Vacation Bible School and right before Missions Month begins, might as well. Every time I see a church that has “Revival this Sunday 8:00 p.m.” on a sign, I imagine God and Revival playing Connect Four up in heaven and having this conversation:

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